myopia

I just gotta get this out of my chest. This is my favorite episode of my favorite series which shouldn't exist in the real world but ACTUALLY DOES which just restores my faith in humanity.....

RACHEL/FINN KISS. <3
EMMA = BAMBI.
Queen's "SOMEBODY TO LOVE" AAAAND Heart's "ALONE".

and and and the kicker

KRISTIN CHENOWITH YOU YOU YOU GODDESS YOU. OHMYGAAAAAWD. <3

Sober or drunk. Pining for some pie-maker or stuffing some cabbages up your you-know-what.  Hoebag or lovelorn waitress.

AAAARGH kill me now. This is me, out of character, squealing with (need I say it) glee.



Note: 
Has not watched EP06 or 07 yet. They are waiting HD in my roommate's computer as soon as I expel this ugh ugh theo paper out of my system.

But I HAVE watched the AMAZING mash-ups in Youtube. <3 <3 <3 Thanks JP for that. OH GAWD WHY DOES THIS SERIES HAVE TO EXIST. 

Not even thinking of the acapella part of "Don't Stop Believing", which has been ON MY MIND ever since Choopy played it several several months ago in his bhouse, when I was still clueless about the SUPREME AWEZOMENESS of this series, and we were getting ready to go out to Eastwood. Heaven knows my Magis students are SICK of me singing it to them all the time while they study Accounting.

No, not thinking of it. Or Kurt (YOU DA MEHN!) with Single Ladies. Or Josh Groban with Finn's mom. Or JOSH GROBAN. Or the SUPREME CUTENESS WHICH IS JAYMA MAYS. Or Jessalyn Gilsig, god bless her, who is EVERYWHERE I LOOK. (Flood, Prom Night, Nip/Tuck, Heroes) Or the super super super GAY "Say A Little Prayer For You" which has spawned countless fanvids in the interwebz. QUINN = HOTNESS <3. She might even be hotter than Claire. Yeah that's right, cut-off-your-hand-run-over-by-a-train cheerleader Claire.

ARGH. CAN A SERIES SPELL AWESOME IN JUST 7 EPISODES, TWO OF WHICH I HAVE YET TO WATCH?!?!?!

EP05 is very very much my favorite. :))

Actually I love all episodes so far but for the following reasons:

QUEEN'S "SOMEBODY TO LOVE"
EMMA = BAMBI
FINN/RACHEL KISS <3

and and and

KRISTIN CHENOWITH! OHMYGAWWWWWD.

DEMN. >.<
 

Posting here since FB does not load.



[Note:] Have not watched EP06 yet!!! ARGH. But I've seen the mash-ups on Youtube! ARGH WHY DOES THIS SERIES EXIST!!!!!  

ZOMG ON SOOO MANY LEVELS! Like the Josh Groban thing a few eps back! And Single Ladies! And the super super GAY Say A Lil Prayer For You which has had like 2032423 fanvids already in Youtube!

GRABE! It's getting so friggin hot in here

Sorry at kelangan ko lang magreact.

Nakakarindi talaga ang pagka-GC ng ibang tao. As in yung tipong sinasanto ang syllabus at hawak-hawak ang scical sabay calculate ng kelangan para makakuha ng mas mataas na grade. At yung tipong ginagawa ito start ng sem palang, every time may ibabalik na requirement, every time feel lang nila bumababa na ang grade nila before their very eyes, hanggang matapos ang sem wala ng patawad. Oo na't aaminin ko me ganyang streak ren ako paminsan-minsan, lalo na't me hinahabol na Latin honors pagkagraduate, pero hindi naman yung tipong bawat pipitsuging quiz, seatwork and whatsoever na worth 5% ng grade sinasama sa calculations, at memoryado na ang syllabus pati ang free sked at cellphone number ng prof para kulitin kung bakit ganun na lang ang nakuha nilang grade.

At ang pinaka-piiiiinaka naiirita ako ay yung namamalimos ng barya tuwing may ibabalik na exam. Yung tipong hihingi ng 1 point dito, 2 points doon, na halatadong pati yung prof mo naaasar na sa kakulitan ng studyante at pinabibigyan nalang para manahimik. Tang ina, kung ano yung binigay sayong grado, un na yun!!! Tanggapin mo at wag ung aalma-alma pa. Argh talaga. Wala ka bang tiwala sa abilidad ng prof mong magbigay ng makatwirang grade?? Minsan nababadtrip ren ako lalo na kung may mga sadistang subjects na hinihila pababa ang QPI ko pero tinatanggap ko rin in the end dahil alam kong may pagkakamali rin naman ako. So work harder next time nalang, take it as a lesson. Pero bakit ba me mga taong pinipilit magpababy sa grades??? Ano bang problema niyo, mga mokong!! Tapos, magtetext text pa HABANG MAY GAME na walang kamalay-malay na may GAME dahil nag-aaral, na nagtatanong kung ano ang format ng ganitong reaction paper chuvaness, na tipong hindi makagagalaw unless sabihin ng prof ang every single fucking detail ng report, pati font size, single spaced ba, Verdana o Wingdings, long bond half bond A4 anu pa man, eh it's just a stupid reaction paper! Bwiset!

Grabe nakaka DISILLUSION lang. Fuck. Ang tanda tanda na grades pa rin ang iniisip. Ang laki laki na isip-bata pa rin, parang batang inagawan ng lollipop na iiyak basta-basta kapag mababa ang binigay na grades. ARGH. Pati ako tuloy natetense. Oo na ipokrito na pero you can't help it ganoon talaga ung sistema, kelangan makibagay. Kaya nga intended for myself ren itong rant na ito. But how I wish, how I reeeally fucking wish it wasn't so. Bakit hindi na ba pwedeng matuto na walang kakabit na incentive? :( Bakit laging may hinahabol, laging may inaabot? Bakit ayaw makuntento sa mga bagay-bagay? Bakit napaka KITID ng competition na everything reduces to "I'm superior than you" dahil nakapunta ako sa ganitong event, dahil mas mataas ako sa ganitong quiz, dahil nakapasok ako sa ganitong school?

SHIT MAN. >_< Umagang umaga nababadtrip ang tao eh

Wow, my blog is still alive.

This lunchtime I got depressed because it's a weekend and I don't have anything to do so instead of having lunch I bought a balloon :) Now I don't have any money left, it's like the kiddie song, and I'm hungry. But I have a balloon. :)

It's a Spider-man balloon.

Plants VS Zombies is not that addicting IMO. But I like the I, Zombie levels, it's kinda like a strategy game. Also I like the Survival mode although I'm not good yet and I hate it when the gargantaur destroys my beautiful defense. Sorry I don't use jalapenos that much. :) But I'm not in a hurry to earn money to buy 10 slots or something. My roommate's tree is already 161 feet tall. My next purchase should be the imitator so I can use two squashes/jalapenos in a row for those pesky gargantaurs.

My karma is almost 95.

I hate it when somebody new and interesting comes into my radar and I can't concentrate because plans have been made which will inevitably be broken. Why do I find it so easy to trust people, even if obviously their intentions are shady? The old feeling of desperation persists. It's frustrating because I thought I've broken this cycle.

I have to be comfortable with breaking plans and not feel guilty about it. Soul-selling and body-selling activities are taking up too much of my time, when my first priority (theoretically) should be my studies.

I got my first F in a major exam thanks to Philosophy, what is it with Philo that I am destined to loathe the subject? Goodbye Magna status, I knew thee not.

I guess I'll go home and think this shit over. Ideally I should sleep. New mantra: My weekend happiness should not be contingent on dates which may or may not materialize. Lycoh did not let me go to make a royal miserable fool of myself.

Me wants that yoga class on Wednesday! To try something new. Also I have to watch those Meditation vids from Lycoh :)

Today’s world is fast changing. We no longer have the same values as the ones esteemed by previous generations. It’s cliché to expound any further, and one would quickly be reduced to surface descriptions that sound hollow, almost accusatory: the iPod generation, the McDonaldization of society, the ten-second attention span, the decline of traditional family values, moral bankruptcy, and so on and so forth. This barrage of complaints comes mostly from the older age group, who believe our generation to be too self-involved, too pampered and too emo to appreciate just how lucky we have it. This is true. Our generation hasn’t gone through a world war, a foreign invasion, an economic crisis, or Martial Law. Our civil liberties have never been seriously threatened. We just take these blessings for granted, just like we take cable TV, air-conditioning, cell phones and 24-hour convenience stores as inexorable constants in our daily lives, as unvarying and dependable as the air we breathe. Relatively speaking, we live in the lap of luxury.

This is not our fault. The older generation cannot begrudge us the blessings brought about by technology and social revolution. Pink MMDA urinals, 50-foot billboards of a shirtless Piolo along Guadalupe, McFlurry ice cream and Facebook: all these are our natural birthright, the a priori backdrop of our daily existence. It is true that we are more mollycoddled and spoiled than our parents, more impatient, less disciplined, and yes, maybe even a little dumber. But none of these are sufficient grounds for writing us out, for immediately dismissing this generation as apathetic and socially numb, and this age as a godless one.

To our detractors, we are not godless or apathetic by choice. We are the product of the democratization of society, and the freedom you bestowed upon us is also the cross we bear. We are rudderless souls, blindly feeling our way through a confusing plethora of choices that have appeared suddenly to overwhelm us, and we weave from one mode of gratification to the next, while the illusion of power leaves us feeling spent and lethargic. Sorry to say, but it was you who made us this way.

Rather than dismiss our generation outright, you should instead recognize the immense potential we hold. Last weekend, the Federation of Asian Bishops Conferences held a meeting in Manila to discuss the problems the Church was facing in recent times. Mixed marriages, a dwindling priesthood, and a decline in church attendance were some of the issues being confronted. As the Church struggles to remain relevant in an increasingly pluralistic society, perhaps something we discussed in class could be the answer. Could a preferential option for the poor, espoused explicitly as the new message of evangelization, attract our disenchanted and self-involved generation? Could this be the spark we are looking for, waking us from our sleep of inertia? Could this be our chance to redeem ourselves in the eyes of our parents?

This is why the preferential option for the poor is very much relevant in today’s “godless” age. Simply put, it is our golden opportunity to prove ourselves. We inherited a broken world, and it should be our legacy to fix it. We are being called to defend ourselves and to be walking billboards of our beliefs and convictions. The song “Affirmation” by Savage Garden seems to me an appropriate anthem in beginning this enterprise. It is simply a catalog of one’s beliefs, no matter how silly, inconsistent or controversial they may sound. What matters is that one believes, and that one keeps on believing, in the face of such an unbelieving world. For me, therefore, life is one big affirmation.

If we had lived in older, more primitive times, when slavery was still permissible and there was no uniform currency system in place, life – and the overall economic system – would still be simple (although quite unhygienic). For example, if Almathussela were to borrow 100 slaves from me on Tuesday, with the promise to pay me back during the next solar eclipse, being of rational mind (and Machiavellian disposition, although this situation predates Machiavelli by several centuries), I would ask for adequate compensation upon the return of my 100 slaves. Perhaps a 10% surcharge, which would bring the total to 110 slaves?

The logic behind this is that I could have used the 100 slaves for my own purposes, perhaps for the construction of my latest temple. Therefore, friend Almathussela would have to sufficiently convince me that it is more advantageous to lend him my 100 slaves than to use it for my own odious glorification. That is, he has to recompense me for the trouble of lending him 100 perfectly healthy slaves, and this payment is concretely realized through the 10% addition to my slavestock. Thus, the concept of interest was born.

Of course, this example cannot possibly occur today. First of all, we are no longer inhumane, uncivilized and uncouth savages: a sound financial structure has long been institutionalized, and we utilize money instead of the primitive barter system. Second, and less importantly, technology has already evolved to the extent that enslavement of entire subhuman races is no longer necessary. Thus our situation has to be rephrased in less “exotic” terms, and we will try to approximate the flavor of the above example while incorporating this new concept of “money”, and how it affects interest.

Suppose now that John borrows P1000 from me in order to buy 100 apples at P10 per apple. After one year, he pays me back 105 apples (as compensation for the 100 apples I could have bought with my P1000), but in the same time period, the price of apple has gone up to P11 per fruit. Thus he has to pay me back a total of 105 apples x P11 per apple = P1155, where P155 is what we call the nominal interest.

The only difference with this example and the previous one is that in the first one, raw goods are being traded with each other at a surcharge that we call the real interest, while in the second one, the medium of exchange itself accrues “interest” during the time period. This is of course the inflation rate. Thus, the nominal interest is composed, roughly of the real interest, plus the fluctuations due to the usage of a monetary medium of exchange – in this case the Philippine peso.

In the apple example, the real interest, as measured in apples, is


And the inflation rate is


The nominal interest, as measured in pesos, is therefore
Which is actually equivalent to


More generally, we have the following equation, derived by Irving Fisher, a renowned fisherman economist, which is called the Fisher Equation:


where i is the nominal interest rate (the one that is usually quoted in business section of newspapers – the “official” surplus to the money one invests/lends) while r is the real interest rate (what one actually earns), and pi the inflation rate (the “fluff” added to the real interest rate but usually overlooked by investors because they think they’re really earning i, but they’re really earning r because the purchasing power of their money has gone down by a corresponding pi, along with everything else in the financial structure, and this is quite deceptive and makes one nostalgic for simpler, non-complicated times which do not require such hardcore mathematical analysis, or fundamental human rights and liberties). Anyway.

Recalling our basic lesson in the FOIL method, we multiply First, Outside, Inside and Last:


The last term is usually disregarded because it is miniscule. For example in our example above using John as an example, the last term is 0.5%, which is really quite smallish to make any relevance in the actual world.

So the simplified form is as follows:

Or


This is a handy formula to remember. For example when your father exclaims at the breakfast table, amidst the pancakes, that yields on 10-year government bonds have gone up to 10%, and that his hard-earned investments are finally paying off, and you see the glaring headline at the front page that inflation rate is spiraling up to 15%, you can do some quick mental arithmetic and conclude that your father is quite dim.

Scoff, but quietly. Then ask for a raise in your allowance.

( obviously my review is under this LJ cut )

Cascada's "What Hurts The Most" is super WIN.

It's been stuck in my brain for the past 123 hours. The incongruity between super-sad lyrics and the upbeat tempo never fails to get me.

Eurodance lives forever!

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Rereading Hofstadter's GEB. Because I want to.

I'm in the middle of a boring chapter of an otherwise exciting book. The computer science is of course extremely outdated so it's not much fun to read.

Finished a typographical puzzle which dealt with how to express the open statement "b is a power of 2" in symbols that dealt only with addition and multiplication. The result:

∀a:~∃c:(c*((SS0*Sa)+1))=b

Which roughly translates as:

"b is a number such that for all natural numbers a greater than 0, there exists no such natural number c such that when c is multiplied by 2a+1, b is the result."

Or more precisely,

"b has no odd divisors."

Was too lazy to attempt the succeeding problem: "b is a power of 10". The book said it would take hours and a super-involved knowledge of number theory.

Something for the readers:

What is the next number in this sequence, and why?

1   3   7   12   18   26   35   45   56   69 ...

Hint: is it a vase, or a silhouette of two faces?

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I am trying my hardest not to get pissed off about things (and people) I should not get pissed off at. I am gritting my teeth. It is quite a futile exercise but I chalk it up to a bad day and take several deep breaths.

--

How does one become a naughty priest? I need suggestions.

I am currently amazed at the number of things I've never tried before but I'm actually good at.

Such as reinventing myself.

And "planting trees".

And cyber-stalking.

And reciting in class when I'm half-awake and not understanding whatever bullcrap I'm telling the prof.

And taking half-nekked pics of myself with Deo's digicam to exhibit to the entiiiiiiiire friggin world.

And not sleeping the night before the first long test of the semester in order to practice Mathsayaw dance moves and cyber-stalk and type this down at 4AM, but NOT to study, of course, because that would just be uhh.

And surviving a first rel, plunging headfirst into a new one :)

This weekend's mantra: OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND! (Taken from a Kelly Clarkson song.)

Roughly translated: if you are not *physically* in my presence, I will forget you even exist! Haha. I will be like an exponential pdf. I will be memoryless. :)

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Left my phone in the dorm so I wouldn't have to keep checking it every five minutes in order to see the text messages that aren't there. I just SUCK at delaying gratification. Never learned it. Never thought I had to.

Never thought I'd be here at this juncture again, and so soon. And nothing is wrong, in fact everything is going amazing, it's just me who is ruining everything like the shitface that I am. Like I'm Midas but instead of gold all I get is more shit on my hands.

The head-spinning is on account of the SMB Strong Ice I bought at 7-11 an hour ago and downed immediately in order to get my P1.50 deposit back. Will prolly drink more later in order to kill more hours (and brain cells, which I have oodles and oodles of anyway). It's not even 10PM yet.

Too tired to repost this in Multiply, which I haven't opened in, like, a week or so. FB is the new deal anyway. But LJ is still my home. :)

It sucks that I still have ~36 hours to kill.

Before anything else:


The news was so heartbreaking. He was set out to make a comeback. I haven't even revived my MJ phase and danced out loud to his tunes, like I did 4 years ago to Nya's mixed CD, dancing to "Billie Jean" outside the Pisay ASTB. I am still in shock. =,(

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Falling into the routine of school. I rejoined AMS, and plan to be a teensy bit more active than I was during my previous years. (No distractions this time around, haha.) Will join Mathsayaw: totoo na to!

Also, I'm a Rockband virgin no more! Playing for keeps and for the booty. Medium-hard on bass/guitar, still a bit rusty with the drums, esp. with the footwork (but this is still my favorite instrument), and vocals is just an OC version of karaoke. Even saw Senga yesterday in Bluskies, playing Dota (now there's a complete shocker).

Every TTh I have a humongous 4.5 hour break so I plan to go to Megamall and work it out on the PIU machine in WOF. I already did this last Tuesday and it's not yet cost-effective since I have to eat lunch outside. This routine still needs work.

Also, Nic and I discovered a DDR machine in Shakey's Katipunan yesterday! ZOMG! They have PIU songs but DDR is still not my thing and the tokens are twice as expensive as those in WOF.

Acads are okay: learning to love Phil. Histo again, and the introduction to Ethics has restored my faith in Philosophy. Fin121and Ec142 seem like a rehashing of my previous Finance class last year, and for Ma171 we're learning...the real number line. Limits and continuity won't come in until the 2nd LT. This is an utterly scary theoretical class that if you flunk you have to repeat an entire year since they only offer it during the first sem. And lastly, I'm learning which movies to watch thanks to Th141 with Sir Tats. HAHAHA

I basically copied Aaron's sked so we're classmates in every subject. This reduces my propensity to cut since my presence in class would be answerable to someone I actually know. Haha.

I'm using a P200 toothpaste the dentist prescribed to reduce the swelling of my gums. For the past few days I've been healthily obsessed with oral hygiene, which is, uh, a good thing I guess.

Also I don't really know how to sugar-coat this next statement or make it more palatable, so what the heck: I suppose someone who says "I just slept with the embodiment of math" afterwards is worth keeping. Hahaha.

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That's it for my kwento, thanks to everyone who answered my quiz in FB. If you haven't please do so hehehe :) Madali lang naman mandaya...

Hola!

Thus begins my (super-delayed) end-of-summer entry. A post-mortem assessment. A blow-by-blow account. Anything I can squeeze out during my 3-hour break this freakishly rainy first day of classes. This summer I fell in love. I fell out of love. I faced my demons and plunged headfirst into the unknown. I dabbled with mixed metaphors nobody (not even me) could decipher. I learned hard and fast lessons, and unlearned some truths I thought were irrevocable early on. Slowly but surely, my facade of invulnerability is chipping away, and I am beginning to admit that at the core, I am just like everybody else - broken, fragile, human.


On My Dad

He still doesn't understand. Who would, given the iffy circumstances? The text message I composed, explaining my side of the "sordid affair", remains unsent. Thus he believes I feel nothing and am out to spite him for the irreparable chaos my childhood has devolved into. Bridges were burned and it will take monumental effort to cross the precarious chasm that has grown between the two of us. But at least, thankfully, at last, we have acknowledged that the chasm is there.


On Actuarial Thingies

This summer I increased my market value threefold. (About the only useful thing accomplished.) LOLZ. Just a rough estimate, considering that I took the exam with graduates and working denizens, and the proctors seemed haamazed that I was still studying and yet could find the time to ace an (admittedly) aceable test. Of course the future remains veiled, uncertainty prevails and I find number-crunching to be an abhorrent profession to pursue 20 years down the road (this opinion may change with the incentive of 5 to 6 figures), but all in all, at least the option exists. I may just have to rationalize that Jack Nicholson's depression in "About Schmidt" has nothing to do with his career.


On the Drama That is Plurk

Ahh, my high-maintenance lesser half. I hope to unplug thee by the time I reach a karma of 95, which hopefully may occur before I graduate. Currently the radar oscillates between 89.51 to 90.15, (positively skewed because of the infinitismal growth once I reach the 90 milestone) but I hope to remedy this once roomy Vince's router is effective and I shall have 24-hour web access from the comfort of my bedroom. NYAHAHA! >:)


On Caliraya Goodness

Polench has already posted a veritable stone-by-stone, tree-by-tree account (a la JRR Tolkien) of our weekend stay at the Caliraya Re-Creation Center (clueless as to whether the en-dash is necessary), full of fun, frolic, vilety and gayness. I will only add that the experience was memorable, childish, and utterly goooood. The last time I was in Caliraya with LEAD people back in '06 (has it really been this long ago?!), we were too busy focusing on the team-building seminar that we had no time to enjoy the rides, go swimming, and just be in each other's company. But the fooood was just as, uh, edible as before. HAHAHA. Drinking night utterly failed in my opinion, but Pinoy Henyo was amazing. Had a long productive chat with Choopy and Vinni until around 3AM, 80% of the time about a certain eherm-person-eherm. Pics are already up at my Facebook, but I shall repost in Multiply. :)


On B: The End of An Era

Ahh, Burny. My brain tells me I'm already okay, and logically I understand why all this has to happen in order for both of us to "evolve", but sometimes the pain is so gut-wrenchingly illogical and out-of-bounds that I don't know whether its humanly possible to experience any of it. I protect myself by insisting that all this is not really happening to me, just to some version of me which I concoct for my own entertainment, playing "what-if" scenarios and sticking my neck out of the moving car because I have nothing to lose, while the real me looks on bemusedly as the fake me self-destructs.

This may be true, but I have also realized that I move on iiiiinfinitely slowly because my emotions come with a five-day delay: during the moment itself I'm fine, but a week later the hurt, the anger, the guilt, the insecurity all comes pouring out and grief immobilizes me for three seconds and I really believe that I'm going to throw myself out of a moving tricycle and see whether or not he comes to the hospital (or to the morgue, if I were feeling particularly morbid). And all I can do to hang on is to grit my teeth through that singular moment of sheer bedrock terror, counting the seconds in my head. Otherwise than that, I'm fine.

But it really is the end of an era. Last week I came by his house, and there were a lot of hurtful shit flung around (like the fact that he's wearing my fake glasses in Friendster to look more personable XD), but I was numb and didn't rise to the bait. I mourn, then I wonder at the fact that I am capable of mourning something tangible, something real. I shrug my shoulders and tell myself everything's going to be fine, chin up, something fantabulous is waiting around the corner. And this time, I force myself to mean it.


On Random Things

I have an hour left before my next class. So this shall be totally random and things. June is the month of transition. My dorm room has been unoccupied for the past two months so I have some major cleaning to do. Also I have to find a gym in close proximity to the school, one which is not Moro or expensive, or both. And I need to start jogging (cardio) again. I really love my new Levis armadillo shoes, c/o Kei's suggestion loveya bitch :) I suddenly want to watch "Drag Me To Hell", if only for the laughs. I'm paranoid about H1N1, especially with this effing cold that comes and goes. I want me some money this sem. By hook or by crook I'm gonna save up for some threads. I need to pee, and that's about the most interesting sentence I can come up with at this moment.

I'm spending the morning online house-sitting while Datu's away, talking to my loneliness and so far we've had very good conversations together. My dad doesn't even know where I am or why I didn't come home last night from the Newton Instructors' Night Out (it was a drizzly depressing 10PM), and he's stopped asking me, which is probably not a good sign, like a "What's the use", a white flag. I just didn't feel like going home last night.

Apparently I'm playing the teen-rebel card very well. My dad and I have been having really tough conversations lately (or non-conversations, ones that conceal more than they convey) and he told me that the reason why he's keeping me under his wing this summer is to take note of my "activities". (Me and my dad don't do euphemisms very well.) He has his points but sadly his vigilance just happened to coincide with a time of my life that I needed to BREAK FREE and EXPLORE my boundaries left and right, not to mention get over a certain scumbag, which is why his trust of me has decreased exponentially of late and all I've been getting are lectures left and right. And all he's been getting are deaf ears.

It's just so frustrating that we're not on the same page. Not even on the same book. I'm planning to tell him exactly how I feel, once I'm safely in the confines of my dorm room, where he can't touch me. Heh. Which is why I can't frigging wait for summer to end. And why I can't understand why our beloved school's enrollment date just keeps getting postponed because of this stupid flu outbreak. Great.

---

I feel like the threads are coming loose and I have nowhere to go. It's a rollercoaster ride of petty wants, needs, disgusts, disappointments, and naked emotions spewing forth on the surface. I feel very restless, insecure and unstable these past few weeks. I don't know, my ego is working overdrive to be needy and vulnerable and fragile. Anything can set me off and it just unnerves me. I have two crumpled P1000 bills in my right-hand pants pocket and right now I couldn't care less if they get lost in the gutter somewhere. (Not entirely true of course)

I can't approximate an actual emotion for at least ten seconds. I still go to the gym semi-regularly (i.e. whenever I feel like getting up and lifting weights) which just defeats the purpose of being committed. I have absolutely no sense of perspective from where I'm standing. I've gotten so used to randomness that routine just sickens me. I wanna drink this all away but I'm worried about what it would do to my belly. I don't even wanna try listening to MCR again, puhleeze. :-&

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Kinda convenient, eh? Moratorium between summer and first semester is the perfect time to have that long-awaited nervous breakdown. ^^

Wish I could get away and just leave everything behind in the dust.

Omegle is the new shiznit. You log on and are literally connected to a total stranger and you can converse about ABSOLUTELY anything.

The only sad part is that KOREANS HAVE INVADED OMEGLE, AAAARGH.

Here are some of the funnier conversations I had this evening:

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( OMEGLE OMEGLE OMEGLE )

They're all replaceable. I see it now. How easily it is for me to interchange one with another, an endless stream of names, faces, and personalities. The path ahead has never looked so golden, so clear. Then comes along someone with the purest of intentions, asking for nothing more than for me to be honest, and shut up. The first I can do, the second takes a bit more effort on my part. And wasn't it just the night before when I went all gaga and texted all those semi-desperate wholly unnecessary messages in hopes of getting a reply? Vain hopes, I might add.

In any case it's been a HELL OF A TIME last week. Ner, Random, Emz, Gladys, DM, Leon, Reggie, Jhay: an endless array of acquaintances, of gatherings, of people I spend fleeting hours with, fragile lives intertwining in a mix of karaoke and brandy and talentless trannies romping onstage lip-synching to Beyonce's "Halo". (She really was talentless. Hot, but talentless.) The occasion: a celebration. I passed my exam! :) Of course. The road ahead is clear now. And I feel empowered. I don't feel cheap or gaudy any longer.

It's summer after all. A summer of endless golden opportunities, punctuated by the necessities of sleep, food, commute, and work. And money which just seems to flow out like liquid. How the fuck did I manage to spend 5000 pesos in a few weeks?? And without watching the Davids, Angels & Demons (will remedy this tomorrow), or buying that P3000 fincalc for my exam. Or a new pair of jeans. Hmmm.

I'm keeping everyone on a leash. I do miss you but I feel in a few years' time I'll finally understand what it is you're offering me. And maybe then I won't turn away from it because I'll know exactly what I'm giving up. But I need time to collect some life experiences first, build up my resume...that sounds really horrible, I know.

Oh well, a new week. New frontiers, new possibilities. And OH GOD is that MCR on my playlist. =,( I CRY. Is this what my musical repertoire has reduced to when I relax my Lady Gaga vigilance? LOLZ.

Just blogging to let the world know that I passed SOA Exam P!

WOOT. Haha.

Well it's not official yet. After I answered the final question, they told me that I had "preliminarily" passed, and that results would be mailed after 8 weeks. But I read somewhere that only 1 in 200,000+ candidates had preliminary results that conflicted with the final results. So, there is a (199999/200000) chance that I passed! Hurrah.

The exam was EASY. Thirty multiple-choice questions, three hours. There wasn't a question I couldn't answer confidently.

I think the key is just practice. Although it was quite sad because there were no questions on order statistics or the "exotic" distributions (gamma, lognormal, beta, Weibull) - there was one on Pareto but nothing that indicated you had to know Pareto in order to solve it - thus my painstaking Wiki + memorization task a few days back led to moot.

There was just the usual array of questions on exponential, Poisson and the CLT - nothing one can't do under time pressure. There were a few questions on my least favorite topic - marginal conditional probabilities, but nothing I couldn't handle.

There was this really cool question about MGF's, and how a continuously differentiable equation could qualify as an MGF, and I can't elaborate further because I might get an ass-whupping from SOA. But it was really, truly, nerdirifically cool.

---

Tonight we party :) :)

Okay, so I just had this really random encounter with this weird guy 10 minutes ago here in Farmer's Plaza.

I was walking towards Gateway when suddenly he popped out of nowhere, accosted me and said, "Uyy kamusta na? San ka papunta? Anong oras ang duty mo?" I was like (?!?!?!) and I wanted to tell him that he was a total frigging stranger and I had no clue what he wanted from me. I just answered his questions casually, with growing perplexity as I walked and he began dogging my steps.

Apparently he had established that I was his friend Erwin from Cebu, but even after he realized his mistake, and had apologized profusely, he was still walking alongside me. WHAAAA!!!! I had gone down an escalator, and he was right behind me, asking me where I was going, continuing our "conversation".

I said "May bibilhin lang." Which was true because I was supposed to buy a t-shirt. But inside I was like, "Wtf do you care?!?! I don't even know you!"
He said "Anong bibilhin mo?"
WTF!!!! ARRRRGH.

I went inside one of the t-shirt stores and he followed me inside. I approached one of the salesladies and said to her in a (panicky) undertone:

"Kanina pa niya ako sinusundan hindi ko siya kilala kanina pa niya ako kinakausap hindi ko siya kilala"

Then I ran out of there as fast as I could. HUHUHUHU. XD~

BWAHAHAHA. I need some frigging sleep dammit. The last 40+ hours have been EXTREMELY WEIRD, even by my standards.

(Think: videoke with random people, gym, several MiniStop meals, Katipunan, inuman with random people until 4AM, then Farmers to buy a shirt because I haven't gone home since yesterday and the people at Newton would notice)

Woot. ~Summer.

I feel like such a fucking cliche. This is just a predetermined road that I'm walking on. Nothing I do or say or touch is original. I AM A WASHOUT.

(What a way to prepare for an actuarial exam)

Just killing time until the karate class upstairs ends and I can lift me some weights. Of course it's lunchtime, but who cares. This is me, pledging my COMMITMENT to go to the gym regularly! (flex flex)

Five days until my exam on Friday, and I'm nervous as hell! I tried doing 30 questions at one sitting yesterday (three-hour exam), and it really burnt me out... X_X I got 25 right, but I had to cheat on the Pareto distribution and the formula for order statistics by searching for it in Wikipedia. Oh well.

I really love my new Motorola flip phone. Sosi! Although I can only store ~70 messages in my inbox at a time. And I'm too lazy to delete unimportant ones.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom!

It's taking me less time than I anticipated to:
1) get over you
2) get my karma back to what it was before I froze it at 89.68
3) do a 360 on everything I've believed in and let go of things that I thought would break me apart if ever they were out of my sight, and
4) RECLAIM myself.

Well and good.

I wasn't able to finish my LOTR marathon because the fucking DVD skipped just before the Paths of the Dead scene in the third movie and it froze on Viggo Mortensen's face and I lost the mood to continue. So there. Bitin = sucky.

I adjudge this post long enough for reader consumption.

(ends)

It still fucking hurts. The wound is still too fresh.

My heart is breaking all over again.

In time the pain will heal but now I'm coping with it as best as I can. By ironically searching for the things I couldn't find with you in the first place.

I'm not happy or unhappy with the way things are. Right now I'm too numb to care. 

But I die a little every time you've managed to go online and not think of me or buzz me and it's like I never even existed in the first place.

How I wish things were otherwise. How I wish I could cast all these memories into the fiery chasm from whence they came.

Right now I'm thankful for the little things. Like an opportunity to quote Master Elrond of Rivendell. 

But damn, how it hurts.