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matt finger

blog move

Posted on 2010.05.19 at 10:35
Moving my (uncensored) thoughts over to blogspot. It's still safer than here :)





+++ RIP christoff +++

matt finger
Posted on 2010.05.14 at 12:55
We are traversing a very very thin line. One slip and it's all over. My patience is paper-thin.

matt finger

The trick

Posted on 2010.03.07 at 23:34
feeling:: buddhist
jamming to:: Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around/Comes Around
11:11 PM
3/7/2010

The trick is not to get too attached. This will destroy him, but if you are hurt it is simply because this hurts your ego, because you did something hurtful, which YOU admit is hurtful, and thus there can be no misunderstanding. Everything is crystal clear, distilled in a vise of logic.

The trick is to prepare yourself for the inevitable. You have been preparing for this since day one, telling yourself that things are too good to be true, that there must always be a catch. This is merely the culmination of a logical, rigidly defined sequence of events, which can be enumerated, thus ignored. Thus you can easily detach yourself from it. This is the catch. You are no longer bound by petty feelings which shackle you and tell you that you are not worth anything, you are not worth his love. You can easily brush off those feelings.

The trick is in believing wholeheartedly that there is always a solution to every problem when you are still together, and when you are no longer together, believing wholeheartedly that you were never meant to be.

The trick is to love yourself, to protect yourself, above all. The admission that everything is finite, everything has an end, will prepare you for that final confrontation, where you will be thinking not with your heart, with your gut or with your penis, but with your head. Rationality will always save the day.

The trick is to remain indifferent, to be relentless, to be heartless. To be numb. To become your own devil's advocate, to see yourself as others see you, and thus to be totally callous with regards to the fate of your relationship. Remember all your troubles started once you lost control of your temper, posted words that didn't really mean anything, because, for a moment, you were weak. For a moment, you gave in to the temptation to lash out. For a moment, your id prevailed over your ego. But the admission of this momentary weakness protects you from making hasty generalizations, from hating - either yourself or him for despising you for it. Circumstances, circumstances. Everything is simply circumstances.

The trick is not to fall. Or in the unfortunate event that you do, know that a cold equation still prevails, that of universal gravitation, to the tune of nine-point-eight meters-per-second-squared.

matt finger

ilang random thoughts

Posted on 2010.03.06 at 03:33
Alam kong deads naman itong LJ so I'll be a little less formal since puro twitter-feed lang naman ang kalaban ko sa flist :)

Chismoso ako so pagkatapos magbasa-basa ng formspring ng may formspring at 3 in the morning nadiscover kong nagbalikan na pala si J at si L. Hindi ko kilala personally ang dalawa pero FOAFs (friend of a friend) at facebook-friends rin. Ayun. They're back together again, at kahit na nakipagbreak si L before tinanggap pa rin siya ni J dahil according sa formspring ni J, mahal na mahal niya pa rin si L. Even though certainly J can do much better than L. Looks pa lang eh. At obviously mas matalino ako kay L. Pero in terms of emotional stability ewan ko lang. Wahaha bitter.

But how do you quantify love? Hindi ba isa lamang itong feeling? Something irrational? Pag-asang walang inaasahan, isang puro at dalisay na kilos ng pag-asa na hindi mabibigo dahil nga wala itong inaasahan? (Eww.) So how do you explain it to others who are baffled by your decision to take L back? At siyempre ako rin mapapaisip about my own situation. Bakit nga ba niya ako sinagot in the first place? Mahal ba niya talaga ako? Or am I just a substitute for a lost love, panakip-butas? May "hidden agenda" ba siya, malakas lang ba talaga ang dating ko, o nahumaling siya sa mga talents ko, at naisip niyang magiging useful ito para sa mga academics hanggang sa dumating sa point na pakiramdam niyang OBLIGADO na akong tulungan siya sa mga acads niya, na nangyari nga at sukdulang KAKAPALAN NG MUKHA NIYANG SUPER USER-BOYFRIENDLY? Haay. Hindi na nga ako galit eh. Pagod na akong magalit. Sabi nga ni Mam Simpas nakakapagod maging doormat. Nakakapanliit ng loob. At ayoko talaga ng pakiramdam na ako AKO AKO AKO AKO AKO ang naghahabol. Nandidiri na ako sa sarili ko.

Maari rin namang isiping kaya niya ako sinagot dahil may nakita ba talaga siya sa akin that is worth keeping, BEHIND all these skills and talents, at own fault ko na yun na hindi ko ito maappreciate sa paraang ipinapakita niya sa akin? And vice versa, dahil anumang effort ko, mukhang hindi nakakarating sa kanya ang pagpapakita kong sariling paglalambing. And that for me is the tragedy. Dahil hindi kami nagtatagpo. And someone always gets hurt, even though I know both of us are trying our best to keep this afloat. (BOTH of us nga ba? Baka lang nag-iilusyon lang ako, pinoprotektahan ko ang sarili ko sa realidad na mas mahal ko talaga siya kesa niya ako.)

(Super gulo na nitong sinusulat ko. Pag binabasa ko kasi ulet may naidadagdag ako sa gitna kaya nawawala ung flow. Pero bahala na. Pasensya na lang.)

Teka akala ko ba pinagchchismisan ko sina J at L. Arrr malandi lang talaga ako kaya napunta sa kanila ung usapan :) Nahihiya nga akong magtanong ng love-advice kay J hindi naman kami ganun ka-close, at baka pakiramdam niya nilalandi ko lang siya :P Pero ayun nga. I really really hope that by the time this month ends, ok na ulet kame. Studyante nga naman pala siya, before anything else. Ako, bahala na. Yun siguro medyo bitter ren siya dahil isang buong buwan ang agwat ng bakasyon namin, so hindi talaga magtatagpo. Pwes, kasalanan ko bang parelax-relax nalang ako ngayon at may thesis pa siya? Ako pa nga ang mas kawawa dahil I have the luxury to think about these things, and right now I'm going CRAZY thinking about these things, samantalang siya maari niyang idahilan (at LAGI nga niyang dinadahilan) na busy siya so wala siyang oras na pag-isipan itong mga ganitong bagay.

Haaay. Grrr. Mula sa usapang J and L nabalik nanaman sa J and N, Nestea vs Jason, parang Plants vs Zombies, Alien vs Predator, ano pa ba, Angels and Demons, tang ina andaming movies na hindi napapanood dahil sa galit-galitan, ung Percy Jackson, Wolfman (na medyo pangit daw according to reviews), Alice in Wonderland (kahapon pa lang naman ang start ng showing kaya siguro may 2 weeks pa kame para magbati). Maganda pala yung THE ROAD, post-apocalyptic film, pinanood namin ng tito ko kahapon. :)

Kung pwede lang sanang mag-mental telepathy para di na kelangan ng salita at ma-mimisinterpret nanaman for the nth time.

matt finger

ORALS

Posted on 2010.01.22 at 14:06
I enter the room and close the door behind me, deafened by the sudden silence ringing from the four walls, still uncomfortable in this suit barely worn except at my cousin Andie’s debut three months ago, where too much tequila was served and her high school kabarkada was far too loose on the dance floor. Damn. Focus. I sit across from him, never noticing until this moment that I am ten inches from his face just how terribly old he looks, and how terribly sad. And he needs a good shave. I toss the die and seal my fate. He sets the egg timer on the table. I open my mouth and make expansive hand gestures, meticulously practiced in front of a mirror. (My fingernails are freshly cut.) My voice sounds too abrasive in the insulated room and I temper it down a notch. First of all, before anything else, to start my discussion, I talk about what it is I am going to talk about. Then I talk about why I am going to talk about what it is I am going to talk about. Then I talk about what others think about what it is I am going to talk about, and why what others think about what it is I am going to talk about is utter bull and is fit only to wipe human excrement with. Then I talk about what it is I am not going to talk about, which will hopefully clarify in not so many words what it is I am going to talk about. Then I talk some more about what it is I am going to talk about. Then the timer rings and I never really get to talk about what it was I was going to talk about, but it’s okay, because he understands that I don’t understand what it is I am talking about because he doesn’t understand it either. (One would think that what I was really going to talk about was nothing, in which case I did an excellent job of talking about what it was I was going to talk about, but that’s going too far.) I smirk and he returns it knowingly, a bond of complicity and mutual sheepishness growing between us. The contract is now complete; I rise and take my leave. I usher in the next fellow just outside the door, pasty-faced and wide-eyed in a suit two sizes too big, probably his father’s. Now outside, I loosen my tie and my footsteps echo in the empty corridor. Grades will be posted in the morning.

[Author's Note: I have to take 4 more oral exams before I graduate.]


matt finger

ep05.

Posted on 2009.10.16 at 22:35
I just gotta get this out of my chest. This is my favorite episode of my favorite series which shouldn't exist in the real world but ACTUALLY DOES which just restores my faith in humanity.....

RACHEL/FINN KISS. <3
EMMA = BAMBI.
Queen's "SOMEBODY TO LOVE" AAAAND Heart's "ALONE".

and and and the kicker

KRISTIN CHENOWITH YOU YOU YOU GODDESS YOU. OHMYGAAAAAWD. <3

Sober or drunk. Pining for some pie-maker or stuffing some cabbages up your you-know-what.  Hoebag or lovelorn waitress.

AAAARGH kill me now. This is me, out of character, squealing with (need I say it) glee.



Note: 
Has not watched EP06 or 07 yet. They are waiting HD in my roommate's computer as soon as I expel this ugh ugh theo paper out of my system.

But I HAVE watched the AMAZING mash-ups in Youtube. <3 <3 <3 Thanks JP for that. OH GAWD WHY DOES THIS SERIES HAVE TO EXIST. 

Not even thinking of the acapella part of "Don't Stop Believing", which has been ON MY MIND ever since Choopy played it several several months ago in his bhouse, when I was still clueless about the SUPREME AWEZOMENESS of this series, and we were getting ready to go out to Eastwood. Heaven knows my Magis students are SICK of me singing it to them all the time while they study Accounting.

No, not thinking of it. Or Kurt (YOU DA MEHN!) with Single Ladies. Or Josh Groban with Finn's mom. Or JOSH GROBAN. Or the SUPREME CUTENESS WHICH IS JAYMA MAYS. Or Jessalyn Gilsig, god bless her, who is EVERYWHERE I LOOK. (Flood, Prom Night, Nip/Tuck, Heroes) Or the super super super GAY "Say A Little Prayer For You" which has spawned countless fanvids in the interwebz. QUINN = HOTNESS <3. She might even be hotter than Claire. Yeah that's right, cut-off-your-hand-run-over-by-a-train cheerleader Claire.

ARGH. CAN A SERIES SPELL AWESOME IN JUST 7 EPISODES, TWO OF WHICH I HAVE YET TO WATCH?!?!?!

matt finger

ep05.

Posted on 2009.10.16 at 21:58
EP05 is very very much my favorite. :))

Actually I love all episodes so far but for the following reasons:

QUEEN'S "SOMEBODY TO LOVE"
EMMA = BAMBI
FINN/RACHEL KISS <3

and and and

KRISTIN CHENOWITH! OHMYGAWWWWWD.

DEMN. >.<
 

Posting here since FB does not load.



[Note:] Have not watched EP06 yet!!! ARGH. But I've seen the mash-ups on Youtube! ARGH WHY DOES THIS SERIES EXIST!!!!!  

ZOMG ON SOOO MANY LEVELS! Like the Josh Groban thing a few eps back! And Single Ladies! And the super super GAY Say A Lil Prayer For You which has had like 2032423 fanvids already in Youtube!

GRABE! It's getting so friggin hot in here

matt finger

haay.

Posted on 2009.10.09 at 07:56
Sorry at kelangan ko lang magreact.

Nakakarindi talaga ang pagka-GC ng ibang tao. As in yung tipong sinasanto ang syllabus at hawak-hawak ang scical sabay calculate ng kelangan para makakuha ng mas mataas na grade. At yung tipong ginagawa ito start ng sem palang, every time may ibabalik na requirement, every time feel lang nila bumababa na ang grade nila before their very eyes, hanggang matapos ang sem wala ng patawad. Oo na't aaminin ko me ganyang streak ren ako paminsan-minsan, lalo na't me hinahabol na Latin honors pagkagraduate, pero hindi naman yung tipong bawat pipitsuging quiz, seatwork and whatsoever na worth 5% ng grade sinasama sa calculations, at memoryado na ang syllabus pati ang free sked at cellphone number ng prof para kulitin kung bakit ganun na lang ang nakuha nilang grade.

At ang pinaka-piiiiinaka naiirita ako ay yung namamalimos ng barya tuwing may ibabalik na exam. Yung tipong hihingi ng 1 point dito, 2 points doon, na halatadong pati yung prof mo naaasar na sa kakulitan ng studyante at pinabibigyan nalang para manahimik. Tang ina, kung ano yung binigay sayong grado, un na yun!!! Tanggapin mo at wag ung aalma-alma pa. Argh talaga. Wala ka bang tiwala sa abilidad ng prof mong magbigay ng makatwirang grade?? Minsan nababadtrip ren ako lalo na kung may mga sadistang subjects na hinihila pababa ang QPI ko pero tinatanggap ko rin in the end dahil alam kong may pagkakamali rin naman ako. So work harder next time nalang, take it as a lesson. Pero bakit ba me mga taong pinipilit magpababy sa grades??? Ano bang problema niyo, mga mokong!! Tapos, magtetext text pa HABANG MAY GAME na walang kamalay-malay na may GAME dahil nag-aaral, na nagtatanong kung ano ang format ng ganitong reaction paper chuvaness, na tipong hindi makagagalaw unless sabihin ng prof ang every single fucking detail ng report, pati font size, single spaced ba, Verdana o Wingdings, long bond half bond A4 anu pa man, eh it's just a stupid reaction paper! Bwiset!

Grabe nakaka DISILLUSION lang. Fuck. Ang tanda tanda na grades pa rin ang iniisip. Ang laki laki na isip-bata pa rin, parang batang inagawan ng lollipop na iiyak basta-basta kapag mababa ang binigay na grades. ARGH. Pati ako tuloy natetense. Oo na ipokrito na pero you can't help it ganoon talaga ung sistema, kelangan makibagay. Kaya nga intended for myself ren itong rant na ito. But how I wish, how I reeeally fucking wish it wasn't so. Bakit hindi na ba pwedeng matuto na walang kakabit na incentive? :( Bakit laging may hinahabol, laging may inaabot? Bakit ayaw makuntento sa mga bagay-bagay? Bakit napaka KITID ng competition na everything reduces to "I'm superior than you" dahil nakapunta ako sa ganitong event, dahil mas mataas ako sa ganitong quiz, dahil nakapasok ako sa ganitong school?

SHIT MAN. >_< Umagang umaga nababadtrip ang tao eh

matt finger

random hungry stuff.

Posted on 2009.09.12 at 15:20
Wow, my blog is still alive.

This lunchtime I got depressed because it's a weekend and I don't have anything to do so instead of having lunch I bought a balloon :) Now I don't have any money left, it's like the kiddie song, and I'm hungry. But I have a balloon. :)

It's a Spider-man balloon.

Plants VS Zombies is not that addicting IMO. But I like the I, Zombie levels, it's kinda like a strategy game. Also I like the Survival mode although I'm not good yet and I hate it when the gargantaur destroys my beautiful defense. Sorry I don't use jalapenos that much. :) But I'm not in a hurry to earn money to buy 10 slots or something. My roommate's tree is already 161 feet tall. My next purchase should be the imitator so I can use two squashes/jalapenos in a row for those pesky gargantaurs.

My karma is almost 95.

I hate it when somebody new and interesting comes into my radar and I can't concentrate because plans have been made which will inevitably be broken. Why do I find it so easy to trust people, even if obviously their intentions are shady? The old feeling of desperation persists. It's frustrating because I thought I've broken this cycle.

I have to be comfortable with breaking plans and not feel guilty about it. Soul-selling and body-selling activities are taking up too much of my time, when my first priority (theoretically) should be my studies.

I got my first F in a major exam thanks to Philosophy, what is it with Philo that I am destined to loathe the subject? Goodbye Magna status, I knew thee not.

I guess I'll go home and think this shit over. Ideally I should sleep. New mantra: My weekend happiness should not be contingent on dates which may or may not materialize. Lycoh did not let me go to make a royal miserable fool of myself.

Me wants that yoga class on Wednesday! To try something new. Also I have to watch those Meditation vids from Lycoh :)

matt finger

In Defense of My Generation (Th141 Paper)

Posted on 2009.08.18 at 00:02
Today’s world is fast changing. We no longer have the same values as the ones esteemed by previous generations. It’s cliché to expound any further, and one would quickly be reduced to surface descriptions that sound hollow, almost accusatory: the iPod generation, the McDonaldization of society, the ten-second attention span, the decline of traditional family values, moral bankruptcy, and so on and so forth. This barrage of complaints comes mostly from the older age group, who believe our generation to be too self-involved, too pampered and too emo to appreciate just how lucky we have it. This is true. Our generation hasn’t gone through a world war, a foreign invasion, an economic crisis, or Martial Law. Our civil liberties have never been seriously threatened. We just take these blessings for granted, just like we take cable TV, air-conditioning, cell phones and 24-hour convenience stores as inexorable constants in our daily lives, as unvarying and dependable as the air we breathe. Relatively speaking, we live in the lap of luxury.

This is not our fault. The older generation cannot begrudge us the blessings brought about by technology and social revolution. Pink MMDA urinals, 50-foot billboards of a shirtless Piolo along Guadalupe, McFlurry ice cream and Facebook: all these are our natural birthright, the a priori backdrop of our daily existence. It is true that we are more mollycoddled and spoiled than our parents, more impatient, less disciplined, and yes, maybe even a little dumber. But none of these are sufficient grounds for writing us out, for immediately dismissing this generation as apathetic and socially numb, and this age as a godless one.

To our detractors, we are not godless or apathetic by choice. We are the product of the democratization of society, and the freedom you bestowed upon us is also the cross we bear. We are rudderless souls, blindly feeling our way through a confusing plethora of choices that have appeared suddenly to overwhelm us, and we weave from one mode of gratification to the next, while the illusion of power leaves us feeling spent and lethargic. Sorry to say, but it was you who made us this way.

Rather than dismiss our generation outright, you should instead recognize the immense potential we hold. Last weekend, the Federation of Asian Bishops Conferences held a meeting in Manila to discuss the problems the Church was facing in recent times. Mixed marriages, a dwindling priesthood, and a decline in church attendance were some of the issues being confronted. As the Church struggles to remain relevant in an increasingly pluralistic society, perhaps something we discussed in class could be the answer. Could a preferential option for the poor, espoused explicitly as the new message of evangelization, attract our disenchanted and self-involved generation? Could this be the spark we are looking for, waking us from our sleep of inertia? Could this be our chance to redeem ourselves in the eyes of our parents?

This is why the preferential option for the poor is very much relevant in today’s “godless” age. Simply put, it is our golden opportunity to prove ourselves. We inherited a broken world, and it should be our legacy to fix it. We are being called to defend ourselves and to be walking billboards of our beliefs and convictions. The song “Affirmation” by Savage Garden seems to me an appropriate anthem in beginning this enterprise. It is simply a catalog of one’s beliefs, no matter how silly, inconsistent or controversial they may sound. What matters is that one believes, and that one keeps on believing, in the face of such an unbelieving world. For me, therefore, life is one big affirmation.




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